Karyn Purvis, of The Connected Child fame, has a few common phrases she uses a lot. These are fun and, even better, they stick in your/my head after you’ve listened to her for a few days at a conference. One of those key terms is “pay-dirt.” You all know this term, and use it too, I bet. I say, “score,” some of you might say “all-right!” some of you might say “booyah!” I don’t know, but you get the idea.
So, I have to mark the good, again…this time with Little Man. As you know, we have brought him home to school here, with me. We need to work on laying deeper tracks of connection; these should help his learning fly. That’s the theory and I’m pretty sure it’s a good one. That said, it’s a little bit of a steep learning curve on how to work well together. We are working on finding the right rhythm to our days as well as the right stuff to work on. We are making good progress I think, too. But I’d be lying if I said it was without fits and starts (literally) and without some meltdown and temper. Recovering from those breaks in connection can be challenging. For both of us.
One of the great things about the timing of this conference I attended a few weeks ago {and there are many}, is that the importance of that connection was reinforced, many times over. Tools to find that connection were laid out, and tailored to some of the challenges that can push it back. Attachment can be hard work, and happily for so many of you, you don’t need to fully “get” the concept or do that work. But we do, in our house. We do for so many, I dare say all, of our kids. Because our family is non-traditional and most of my kids have come to me from a tough start. And that, without fail, means attachment work is paramount, ever. WIthout attachment, the train stops (another Purvis’-ism‘). And my goal, for all my kids, but especially this Little Man…is for that train to be cruising at it’s full speed. And I think that speed is, someday, going to be supersonic.
So, what I have found is that the best of homeschool for him is the DOING with ME. Not that I’m all that; but for some reason….he seems to crave that connection with me, go figure. And I’m feeling just the same way toward him. But, of course! However, as it does on any and/or every day…our train stops. It breaks down. His mood can change on a dime. A flash. And then, he’s gone. Disconnected. Angry. Unreachable. Pushing back and away.
While he was IN school, regular school, my mode had to be “the enforcer”…much of the time. “This is the deal, get it done, gotta do this, due tomorrow, c’mon buddy, enough, ok?” Basically sitting on his head to make the list get done. His list, my list, the family list. He didn’t like me much, much of the time. Heck, I didn’t like me much, much of the time! Now, in homeschool, we still have stuff to get done. But we are a team with it. That’s how we’ve structured it, so far. He is doing some stuff independently, because he can. A lot, we do together. We read every day on the sofa together: history and good fiction. And he snuggles in and we talk about the connections that leap from his freaky smart fast brain. If I need to reel him back in even closer, we will pop some popcorn and munch as we read, chilling…together. Pay-dirt.
But, there is still a need for me to set myself aside. For this boy. To find that pay-dirt. And now, a few times, it has been a need that I have to step myself through, with hard focus and intention. Stupidly. But still. Like this: last week he had a big ol meltdown one day. Big. Angry. Loud. I found myself getting loud back and very frustrated. All that Purvis stuff was GONE. Not in MY brain, or mouth, or head. Finally, I thought to just sit near him. Let him be angry but if I was quiet and stopped pushing, his mind could reset from lockdown and open up again. I hoped. But I was tired, so I wasn’t sure. After a bit, he pulled out his lego’s with questioning eyes, “Can I?” I nodded, still going for quiet. So he started piecing them together, constructing his fantastic imagination in front of us. I watched. Tired. Discouraged. A fair bit blue about how to offset these meltdowns.
After a few minutes he looked up at me and said, “Mom, will you play with me?” And I looked into his sweet face, now wide open and seeing me again. I looked at him. He looked at me. Both of us, tired but open to each other, again. Now, did I WANT to play? Um, sadly, no. I wanted to go to my own space, read, potter around, decompress, mix a martini maybe (kidding!….mostly) But, I also WANTED and NEEDED to reconnect more than even those more grown up options. So, I said, “You bet.”
So I snapped legos together and helped him look for one he needed. No big deal, right? Ha! I say. A big deal. More: Pay dirt. No, Play dirt. His level. Connected.
Play dirt. The best kind. And so we begin again. And it’s good.
Another Espresso, Please 