Finding Buddy

Ok, I’m trying.  But it’s a toughie this year; more so than others.  But I’m trying…. It’s a deliberate decision; an intentional choice.  

Let me clarify: this season of Advent and Christmas is being a bit challenging on finding and holding my “christmas cheer.”  By which I mean, we are overrun with hard this year, in particular: we’ve got RAD behavior and  meltdowns flying all over, we’ve got final exams taking their very ugly snipy gripey pressured toll, we’ve got the keenly felt absence of the eldest, we’ve got a little of the same biz and financial pressures that so many – oh, all of America, the world over even – are feeling, we’ve got some kids not very well regulated with their issues and behaviors…the list goes on.  And that list, that “not nice list” that I just typed out…well, it’s been kind of crushing my spirit.  Which means, it’s been kinda crushing the warm glow of this Advent season as well ’round here.  

So,  yesterday I made the choice.  I decided to lock Scrooge away; to close the door on him, turn the key and walk away.  I don’t wanna be Scrooge.  I don’t like him.  I don’t like me, as him.  So, I decided that I didn’t need to face any more ghosts or shades of what it coulda/shoulda be or has been….and sulk about it.  

From Scrooge, Classic, Illustrated by Arthur Rackham

 I decided that blues or no, RAD or adhd, bored or happy kids, we still were gonna “do” Christmas.  I owe it to the kids still here, the little ones, the big ones, the grownups even.  We owe it to each other…to embrace this season.  Sure, there are hard things; some of those RAD explosions are breathtaking and not in a good way.  But, none of it is gonna be better with wallowing in the hard and so we are gonna move through it, dragging our brightly colored lights and tinsel right through the meltdowns and the anxiety and the moods.  I will do what I can to sit and calm the kid(s) who need it. I will do what I can to check in with each kiddle daily.  I will do what I can to offset anxiety about changing schedules (new daily schedules posted, endless rechecking and confirming as requested).  I will do what I can to BE PRESENT.  But I’m gonna stop waiting for it to settle or be perfect.  Because it’s not gonna be.  This Christmas and Advent is different.  It’s a challenge in it’s own unique way, this year.  

So, I’m gonna “fake it til we make it.”  Or go down trying.  Maybe it will distract the ones who need it.  Maybe it will jump start those festive elfin feelings…in me, heck, maybe even the kids and husband.  The dog is looking more chipper already, I swear!  So, to that end, yesterday I went and gathered decorative sorts of things and I put them up….started a few new traditions even, maybe….and made the house start to look like this is a special season, set apart.  {And, yeah I know, messy kitchen and not much to see, but I TOLD you I was starting small, ok? Those snowflakes are small but tacky silly fun dangling there, made the kids say “ooooh!” Hence, worth it; don’t judge me.}

silly snowflakes, just for fun and sparkly magic

I might have even brought in a sprinkle of magic dust to make the kids go “Oh!”  Ok, I did, and  it made me very happy to see their faces and hear it. It did.  It seemed to work; at least for the evening.  

Now, we still have another day of finals to get through.  But then my college  boy is traveling over the river and through the woods. He will be arriving home this weekend, hopefully with a big ol’ tree in tow (or on roof).  Just that, right there, is gonna add a fair lot of Christmas joy around here too.    

simple but a far site better than totally bare like before

By golly, by elf……Christmas approaches.  It’s a season of magic.  We may or may not be as giddy as some years…but we are gonna try.  Forget Scrooge.  We are channeling Buddy.  

I’m feeling a tiny glimmer more sparkly already.