>Adoption Process: Roller Coasters

Posted on March 20, 2009 by coffeemom

>As many of you know, the adoption process can be a rollercoaster ride.

Many, many folks just love roller coasters…hence the popularity of expensive theme parks like Six Flags and even Disneyland. Certain aficionados travel around the country to find the best old wooden rollercoasters, believing those provide the most “authentic” coaster experience.
Even in my own family, we have kids who love roller coasters. Take Booboo, that boy lives for a great rollercoaster ride – the scarier the better. If there was a roller coaster named something like “Twisting tower of furious warp speed death spiral,” he’d be twitching to go buy a ticket, be the first in line. That’s my Booboo. He’s seventeen, you make the connection.
Me, I don’t like rollercoasters. I don’t like the sheer terror, the speed and the plunging drops where your heart stomach lifts in your rib cage and then plunges down as your breath is stolen in the speed of the plunge.

photo by space potato

So, for me, this has been a tough week, adoption process wise. This week has been a roller coaster in the adoption world. As many of you know, the U.S. CDC has issued new guidelines for visas and immigration, for all immigrants to the U.S., not only adopted children. But these new guidelines threaten, or seem(ed) to, the timeline of an already lengthy and dicey process: the process of finalizing international adoptions and the timeline of going to pick up your child. The unknowns of this have many of us parents wondering what it means to our upcoming, hoped and prayed for, travel plans. The speculated delays range from “none” to “more than seven months or so.” And really, none of us will be able to know which one of these times applies to us until after we pass court and start stepping through the new visa protocols.

As one of the parents who has a child who doesn’t fit the tidy box of these parameters, there are a lot of unknowns yet to be played out. Thus, this week has been filled with rumor, speculation and yes, sheer panic. And yes, a great lot of that is because I am a high responder and also something of a cynic. Yup, it’s true. Me.

This week started with the wait mode creeping of the coaster car up the hill, waiting on our court date, getting closer (1 1/2 weeks!). Then on Wednesday, we crested another peak with a great update on our girl, complete with a new picture where she looked really good. Little did I know that that same afternoon, I was going to fall into the steep careening panic of potentially devastating timeframes, now being broadcast across the web. And I was strapped in. Caught. All I could do was kind of soundlessly yell, “No!” as my heart and stomach plunged into the sick worry of “what does this mean, really? NO!”

Stop the coaster, I want to get off.

But it doesn’t work that way. And I was waiting for our agency to get back to me on more concrete info, and more specific to our girl….and I’m really bad at waiting. Control freaks, I think, hate roller coasters. So, I reached out to friends and tried to wait, keep busy, as Coffeedoc put it,”Don’t borrow trouble. Wait.” Right. I’m SO good at that…..

Finally, what seemed like ages but was only 24 hours, our agency got back to me. And they clarified. And they clarified for our girl, “it seems like it will go ok.” They have a few more things to check out, regarding all this, but so far, that’s what I’ve got. And, for now, it’s enough, it has to be.

And today is different. I have chosen to step off this roller coaster, to unbuckle myself and step out.

I am quite very sure I can only do this because of the prayers of many dear ones and because of my desperate plea (over and over, begging) for the grace to be still, to wait without being consumed by worry (as is my natural m.o.). And as I went to Mass today (offered for our sweet M) and then adoration, I got to wrap prayer around me and sink into it, like a soft homemade quilt. And I felt the grace of that comfort. And I have looked back over this week and realized that even in my panic, in the twisting plunge, I can see grace and beauty: in the tremendous support of friends like dear Jess, Shelly, Lori, (and others who know who they are)…in my husband, knowing how much this rattles me and his caring.

I realize this is just one instance, one loop, if you will, of the roller coaster of international adoption. So many others have buckled in for much more death defying loops, many more twists and drops. This is not about me, except in that, I guess if I have to even look at that loop, I am grateful to be able to find the small dabs of beauty in it all. The support and prayers of blog and home friends cannot be measured, and cannot be repaid. But they can be appreciated more than can ever be told. And they are.

So, in order to honor that grace and beauty, I choose to step off the roller coaster. To wait. It is less than two weeks to court and to the new embassy protocol cascade. I choose to wait and pray and hope. I’ll wait (and see) right here by the side, I’m not in line for the ride.

>Feasts and family ties

Posted on March 19, 2009 by coffeemom

Sculpture by Dony MacManus

It’s the Solemnity of St. Joseph!
Now, this is a biggie, St. Joseph is one awesome saint. Only the best would be selected to be the earthly father of Jesus, right? Right! You all know him, I hope, a holy righteous man, given the highest honor imaginable (short of mom….): being dad to Christ.

I love him for that. And I love him for the example he gives us of steadfast love and doing the right thing with compassion and honor and love.

Now, there is one little thing though, that makes me a bit nuts regarding St. Joseph…. It’s not really about St. Joseph, him, the man. Rather, its more about the titles slapped on St. Joseph.
Yeah, you guessed it. It’s an adoption thing.

St. Joseph should be the biggest patron for adoptive families going. It brings me to this nit picky pet peeve of mine: that everyone always has to clarify when they talk about him and his relationship to Jesus.

Holy Family by Raphael

Every single time I read it or hear it: “St. Joseph, foster father of Jesus” or some variant I think, “Sheesh!” Because, really……did they really think of it like that back in the day…those days? Do you think that when the women were standing around yakking and they saw Jesus playing with his pals and heard Mary call for him or Joseph, do you think they asked Jesus “where is your foster father?” NO. They said, “Hey, where’s your dad? Your mom wants him.” Of course they did. Now, I don’t mean to be irreverent…but c’mon.

It’s like where I live now, (maybe it’s everywhere, but I only now notice, so I’m calling it regional…don’t get in a snit, no offense intended, I already said it my personal pet peeve). Here, people commonly say, “That’s my stepsister” or “That’s my stepson” or “Stepmom” or whatever. And it doesn’t matter how long they’ve lived together, it could be forty years and they still have to clarify this, even in a casual social setting (I’m not talking about complicated genealogical papers here or anything that could remotely necessitate such fine tuning). That slays me! Why can’t ya just say, “That’s my sister”? I mean, really, why?

I know. This is a weirdness on my part. But every time I hear them qualify St. Joseph’s relationship to Jesus it kind of gets my back up. It’s the same as when media always have to delineate that the celebrity’s “adopted son” did this or that. It’s his kid. Period! Don’t say my kids are each other’s adoptive sister or brother, and don’t, really don’t, tell Coffeedoc that he is Gabey’s “foster father.”

I guess it’s that same prick I feel when someone asks about their “real mom”, um, me. Or even worse, “Which ones are yours?” um, let me count…yup, all of them! I know what they are getting at and that it is a fumbly thing, especially if they are not in the adoption world, but still. Me. No qualifiers required. This is not to diminish the kids’ first mom, or birth mom, or first family…but really, no qualifiers are necessary once they are in mine. No adoptive, foster, step, ya da yada whatever label is needed. They are our kids. Done deal.

Back in the day, St. Joseph’s day, to be exact… family was often built by promise. A special kind of promise, a “covenant” promise. A covenant cannot be broken. It is bigger and stronger than a meager promise or intention, it is stronger than a paper legal contract, it is a covenant, a vow before God. It is eternal. And it was a common manner of forming family. Sure some kids and folks might have just kind of been taken in and eventually been considered a part of the big extended clan. But there were also covenants that built families. And just as God made a covenant with his people, St. Joseph made a covnenant to this baby and to his wife. So he was not just a foster father…..he was his dad, here on earth.

Icon by Brother Claude Lane, O.S.B

Maybe this sets me off because it’s hard to shake off the flimsy postmodern standards and loose contracts that define family nowadays. And so too, too many tv shows of divorce court and meaningless family ties have disintegrated the meaning of the term ‘foster father’…..I can nod to that. And so too, our family ties in our modern era tend to be much more formalized on long legal papers and the term “foster” parent means something different in this usage. And I am no theologian so perhaps the finest points of this description of dear St. Joseph elude me. But, it still bugs me. So, yeah, this is an adoption rant.

Poor St. Joseph, I feel like he doesn’t get a fair shake. He cared for, loved, guarded, protected this little baby, had to flee into Egypt for pete’s sake. He lived a quiet unnoticed life. He didn’t get the kudos for raising this special child, nor was he supposed to, then. But, now, we know him for what he was: a strong, humble, holy man, who obeyed God’s call and made a covenant to be the father to this baby here on earth….a giant step out in faith. St. Joseph was Jesus’ earthly father – his dad. And he is an excellent example and intercessor for adoptive parents and families everywhere.

Happy Feast Day!
Go eat some pasta!
And for some beautiful thoughts on St. Joseph and hope,
go here, to Deacon.

St. Joseph, pray for us!

God our Father,
Creator and Ruler of the universe,
in every age you call man
to develop and use his gifts for the good of others.
With St. Joseph as our example and guide,
help us to do the work you have asked
and come to the rewards you have promised.
We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son,
who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit,
one God, for ever and ever. Amen.
New St. Joseph Weekday Missal

>Almost Wordless Wednesday

Posted on March 18, 2009 by coffeemom

School days for everyone!

>Happy Birthday to my favorite "Leprechaun"

Posted on March 17, 2009 by coffeemom

It’s my baby brother’s birthday!

Yup, he was born on St. Patricks day!

Yup, his name is…John.
But it was gonna be Patrick……however, my folks decided that was too obvious…
But it doesn’t matter because today is his day anyhow.

He is the brother who is so smart and so funny that he can make me laugh til I cry.
And despite the fact that he also can make me angrier (or used to) than anyone else….he is just a favorite (but I have three brothers, so I can’t officially go down this path…ahem).
He has the happiest smile and the kindest heart of anyone in our family and I miss him and love him.
He married a stunning brilliant Parisian girl (ok, now, lovely woman, we are getting older) who is a lawyer, a yoga teacher, and a chef (and still, we love her! go figure!)
He has two beautiful smart charming daughters that I don’t see nearly enough.

We two, he and I, were the last of five sibs, thus making us officially known as “the little kids” versus “the big kids.”But we showed them, because we knew we were the smartest kids….of course!
And the two of us played together (because the big kids wouldn’t give us the time of day) for years and years as best playmates, friends and fierce competitors.
The sibling rivalry was intense – I knew he was a spoiled bratty baby, but he was great fun to play with and boss around.
He put up with me.

That shows you how nice he was and still is.
He is now a successful lawyer and family man, who still gets out to surf whenever he can and argues, well, everything, with me and disagrees with me on many many issues.
But ultimately all that doesn’t matter, because he’s my little brother.
He is good.
He is funny.
He is my brother and just thinking about him makes me smile my happiest smile.
And I’m going on record here, that, despite being my baby brother, he is grayer than I am!
He is why I love St. Patrick’s day!

{the five of us, ages ago, John is leaning his happy face on my sis -I’m on the end}

Happy Bday John!
I’ll lift a toast to you tonight!

>Kiss me, I’m Irish!

Posted on March 17, 2009 by coffeemom

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Yup, it’s the feast of St. Patrick: St. Paddy’s Day.
Which means many things, and here in the U.S. typically means loads of green beer (ok, gross), green shakes, corned beef, soda bread, and general indulgence despite the lenten season. A plethora of shamrocks and leprechauns can be seen and smooching abounds (not that that is so bad!). And suddenly, everyone is just a little bit Irish! Me too! Actually, I can claim it remotely (really remotely) though for many years I thought my maiden name had Scottish origins…but nope, Irish. And I root for my son’s school always: GO IRiSH! So, it’s fun day all around!

As a homeschool mom, if I’m feeling energetic and creative there are loads of history and fun things for St. Patrick’s Day: coloring pages, books, activities, games, and of course, food. There is an abundance of these, plus great books and movies and celtic music to listen to if you’re feeling thematic for the day.

Illlustration by Mary Kurnick Maass

But I like the saint’s lives, you know that. And St. Patrick had an amazing life and was a strong and courageous man, who grew in holiness enough to return to the land that originally enslaved him…because he loved the people there. So St. Patrick is not only about eating and drinking oddly colored beverages and snacks, not about wishing for lucky leprechauns. St. Patrick shows us we can beat the odds. St. Patrick is a great example of perseverance and courage and faith, for going where God leads you despite the hardships. To bloom where you are planted even, to carry this out…..maybe you’ll find some shamrocks, after all!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

St. Patrick, pray for us!

>Parting the veil

Posted on March 15, 2009 by coffeemom

A year ago we got that call.
The call that changed all our lives, forever; fundamentally, eternally.

A year ago we met our sweet Tariku.

This was our son, reaching out to us from a world away it seemed
(yeah, they are gooood with those referral pics, aren’t they?).

Jessica (not our usual caseworker) called us last March 14th (2008), a Friday, and I was just pottering along on a typical day. I had no expectations of a call, and Coffeedoc was in surgery. I had gone to adoration as usual, was home with the kids, drifting through the end of the school day/week.

And then the phone rang and I picked up to Jessica’s voice, “Michele, this is Jessica, Natalie is out of the office, but I have good news for you!” “Really?” I know my voice went up at least two octaves. And then she asked if Coffeedoc was available and I had to tell her no. Thus began the longest fifteen minutes of my life when I had to scramble to call into the OR and luckily enough, he was finishing up and so we all made the fumbly arrangements to conference call.

And then we all were finally online and on the phone, at the same time. And she sent the pictures. And we saw our son’s face for the first time.

And I cried. I was stunned. He didn’t look anything like I had expected. But I don’t know what I expected either. He was perfect. He had those big huge eyes…… I said, “Do you see him?” It was silent for a moment and I asked again if he got the file. “That’s my son,” Coffeedoc said as his voice broke just a bit. Then we both said, “Wow!” Because really, what else is there to say? We were breathless. Graciously, Jessica went over the attached info and mumbled a bunch of jumbo about paperwork and so on that I ignored mostly, I just kept staring at my boy and reading over his info. Somehow we all hung up.

But everything had changed. Because that veil that separates us from our little mortal lives here and real time, God’s time, God’s plan….it had parted. And a little boy was revealed. Tariku. We accepted and sent back the paperwork immediately. And then spent the day, the weekend, in the giddy head rush of calling all our family and friends and stopping strangers in the street to tell them, “I have a new son, he’s beautiful! He’s a toddler in Ethiopia! Do you want to see his picture?” Ok…maybe not all the strangers in the street, but I’m sure a grocery clerk and the pharmacist learned a little more than they expected.
We didn’t have a blog back then so I didn’t post all this. But now, this weekend, I can’t help but find myself reliving those heady days. It’s a rush like no other. And everyone will say, of course it is, you just found out you have a kid! The stick turned pink (or blue, if you will). Well, yes.

But I think the absolute electricity of it comes from being able to see that veil being parted a bit – getting that glimpse beyond our little piece of today – to the big tapestry of our real lives, interconnected with others we can’t see and know. And with this, international adoption in particular, we see it in a way unlike any other.

I am connected to Guday, Tariku’s birthmom. I gaze at the few pictures I have of her and think of her often. We pray for her. I like to think that she prays for her son, and for us. She passed away and thus, now I am this sweet boy’s mom. But we moms of this boy, I feel we are connected. I don’t know her…but then again, maybe I do, a tiny bit, in the smile and laugh of her little boy, the dimple in his chin, the scrinch of his nose, his sweet affectionate nature.
And there are those who don’t feel that God has any hand in all this. That these connections are fabrications. That it is people manipulating systems for selfish or maybe not so selfish wants. And that’s another viewpoint, and has some truth in it. Or they will say that it is about a hardness in this world and a poor solution to the hard hurts and wrongs around the globe. And those things are true but another conversation. And that is ok.

But you know, of course you do, that I really really do think that God has a hand and His plan in all this. I think that God works through the hardnesses and the wrongs in this world to a greaeter plan, to bring good beyond our ken. I’ve seen it too many times to not have that hammered home. There are too many ways these adoptions prove out God’s great mercy and love and plan; shown to me again and again as I am given the ultimate gift of these kids. That’s just not random acts or human process in my book. And if it’s just my own selfish drive to manipulate it and push and make it happen….well it wouldn’t work…and certainly not nearly so well. I’d muck it all up (in fact, I do a fair job of that anyhow on an ongoing basis).

Ack, I’m getting off track. Meandering again. But I think, I believe, that the reason it gives me chills and makes my eyes prick and often overflow with tears when I read of another family getting their referral is because, yes, I am just thrilled for them. It’s too because I know that breathless stop in time and the rushing thrill of that news, those pictures.

But also it is because it’s that brief touch, that flash, that glimpse of the world beyond: the world beyond the veil that seperates this hectic chaotic broken beautiful life we build here, and the eternal unspeakable beauty in the truer world, unfettered by the boundaries of this mortal life.
Dismiss this if you want. But those electric frissons are not just twitching neurons or jumpy nerves. I think they are our truest selves recognizing, even for a glimpse, a breathless half moment, what is real.

And this is real. He’s been mine, for my knowing, for a year.
His name is Gabriel Tariku. He is my son.

>You’re so Vain

Posted on March 13, 2009 by coffeemom

>Me, I mean.

I’ve been stewing about this a lot lately. Vanity. Me. How tied I am to it.

It’s Lent. And I guess it’s a good thing to stew about…if you’re trying to be a bit more detached from it. But sheesh, it’s like detaching a limb, for pete’s sake. Because, yeah, I’m SO vain.
Anchoress got me stewing about it more, with this post. She talks about how hard it is to finally post a pic of her, the real her, be seen on video, with all her perceived shortcomings. And I read it and thought, yup. Gee we are so hard on ourselves.

But I am the worst at it. And I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week. That’s probably due to the fact that I spent far far too long on the sofa, either sitting company with a sick kid (half done, waiting for the other half of kids to fall sick…) or lying sick myself; only barely conscious enough to register my hands bent into old feeble claws and the odd poochy lump that would be my stomach, not the pillow after all. It was made worse when I had to answer the door to the very nice yard guy. Saying hello, his eyes politely flickered then made a studied examination of his clipboard. He hastily retreated back to his truck, business finished. Grateful for the quick exit, I checked in the bathroom on my way back to the sofa. Oh dear, I thought, taking in the wild frizzy gray mop, and the baggy eyes and slack gray skin underneath, the rumpled sweats. I look like hell. Poor guy, now he has to go find some Airborne tabs, quick. And I thought, ah, sick and still vain. So sad.

And now I’m better but still feeling all out of sorts. It’s a vague malaise that’s been lingering in the atmosphere of my head lately. I’ve chalked it up to spring fever. I’ve chalked it up to the waiting blues (court, again). I’ve chalked it up to just plumb being out of shape (this one very likely) again.

But then I’ve thought more about it. And you know, maybe this is a sort of Lenten snag, at least that I’m stewing about it now, more. Maybe I’m supposed to stew about it more, now. It’s one of my personal thorns. I have always been insecure to some degree (yeah, we all are, but still), some eras really much so and some less (40’s really are better, except the failing body thing). Which is vanity, the wishing you were somehow more, better.

So what to do about it? Workout again? For real? The problem with that is twofold: first, I tend to go the compulsive route…I don’t just run (ok run/walk, I’m being honest here), I obsess. It’s not enough to go a mile or two or three a day…I have to do more, it creeps up, it consumes.

(Me, after my one and only marathon….and I can put this up because I’m proud I did it but it almost killed me and also, I look like what I was, stinky smelly exhausted…so it’s oh so apropos for this post, no?)

Second, no matter how hard I work out, I’m not gonna look like I’m twenty-two anymore. I’m 46, ’nuff said. Should I go back to my cheerleader mainstay and say, when I am not working out: “Hey, I’ve got bigger fish to fry?” That might be true, sometimes. Go back to my postmodern woman mantra: you all know this golden nugget, “Hey, I need to make time for me!” and then slice and dice our daily schedule to make room for my workouts? (And I’m referencing above marathon photo…that was a tough one to carve out family wise…like rearranging the planets. Those days are gone. Aw)

Actually, it’s three fold. Third: it’s not just about working out or not. It’s about that sticky sense that if you don’t, and don’t follow the current cultural standards closely enough, it’s not good enough. This is the sticking point of course. The sickness. The deep seated, bought in, vanity.

Sigh. I don’t know. It’s very hard in this pressure cooker modern culture of ours to withstand the tide of push pull tug to be some freaky franken-fabu-mama. Can’t be done and yet we all scan every new moisturizer that comes out promising the erase the wrinkles or tighten the sagging. (Ok, me). It, this culture, breeds self loathing. Our very culture swims in vanity.

But it is Lent. So I will put this up. Because Anchoress started it, blogwise. Because, I want to detach from this nagging snagging vanity that drains my joy when my jeans get snug. Because I do have bigger fish to fry (no, that’s not a Catholic Friday pun…but it could be!). Because I want to be more than what size jeans I wear or how my hair is coiffed or how floppy my jowls are getting.

I want to be holy. Ok, I want to grow in holiness. Really.

And to do that, I have to detach. I have to only want God, not me, not me as I wish I was. Love what God loves. Which, shhhhh, means even me. And then, finally, if I can let go, detach…..maybe I can grow into the most real beauty of all; the kind that counts.
For me, it looks like this.See. Um, clearly…..looonnnnnnggg way to go here. Sigh.
But, it’s Lent. And we are in week two. So, something to work on……

This song has been rolling in my head today, sheesh, hence this vain post. But the subtitles make me laugh.

>Almost Wordless Wednesday

Posted on March 11, 2009 by coffeemom

It’s just been an odd week, all around…..

>Seen from the Sofa

Posted on March 9, 2009 by coffeemom

>The day has been spent on the sofa.
The weekend too, but this weekend was me comforting, nursing Little Man.
Now it is my turn. Today I am the one down, on this sofa.

Everything hurts. Fibers of my body ache that I didn’t know I had; like a new workout when muscles you didn’t know you have complain and groan. You know how it is; it’s just the flu, standard version. Booboo has it too, he’s holed up in another of his ‘dens.’ He’s a loner when he’s sick, so we check on him but leave him be mostly. And as I work hard on being still and silent the usual gerbil mill of guilt spins and rattles: not doing chores school laundry meals. I groan silently at a wasted day.

But then again, maybe not. Because today gave me the chance to be the one cared for. Rare indeed, and its own kind of gift. Today a five year old boy tucked his blanket around me when I was chilled sleeping. He brushed wisps of hair back, kissed my cheek and forehead. Tender from my rough and tumble boy.

And there is beauty in the sick in an odd way. I got to be planted and still enough to see more. Better.

Seen from my sofa: girls getting Sippy cups for gabey. Miss M making small sandwiches for her little brothers. Kids draped over chair arms to just be near. And most of all: two small boys arms around each other patting each other on the back as they watch some show. Just because they are together, best buds. Gabey falling asleep in the chair and again, Little Man tenderly tucking his own blankie around him. Kissing his cheek.

A few days after we brought Gabe home, Little Man said with a face of furious jealousy “Send him back!”. We have come far. Here, stuck on the sofa I can see farther this afternoon than some of the usual harried days. We’ve had a few “Lord of the Flies” moments, today, don’t get me wrong…. But it is these days too that build a family, small days.

The price for these sights? A crazy achey body filled with flu? A wasted day? Maybe not so much. I’d say its a bargain.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

>Guess what happened?

Posted on March 5, 2009 by coffeemom

And he only just turned five!
I can’t remember, but doesn’t that just seem so early?
Shark teeth, my kids seem to have shark teeth –
where the new teeth come in rows behind the baby teeth. Scary.

Oh, but the pride of losing a first tooth: big stuff!
And our relief at finally being able to pull it, after dangling from that gummy thread? BIG stuff!
Congratulations Little Man!
We love your snaggly, shark tooth smile!

>Almost Wordless Wednesday

Posted on March 4, 2009 by coffeemom

This week, in pictures. ‘Nuff said….

>March Intentions

Posted on March 2, 2009 by coffeemom

>Benedict XVI will be praying in March that all nations grow in appreciation of the dignity and value of women and their roles in society.

I love our Pope and am glad to have him praying for us gals. {Every month he has special intentions that are published and then the whole church (by which I mean, around the world!) also prays in union for his intentions.}

Granted, I have a bias, but I think that women and their contributions to building this world of ours and keeping it a better place, are, of course, incalculable. And I’m not talking only about the high profile ladies: the politicians and celebs and so on. I’m talking about the ones that go unnamed, like the one in the Haitian painting, above, or the ones that sit in the carpool pickup line, or hold their cranky child on their lap, or the ones who are only remembered now in our prayers and the stories of our children, like Guday, or Godada. As a mom, this pulls me in…as an adoptive mom, this reaffirms the eternal and deep connection between us women and what we do and how we do it. I’m just saying….our Pope, he gets it. I love that.

>Adoption Process: The waiting dance

Posted on February 26, 2009 by coffeemom

Matisse, “The Dance”

Brace. Embrace. Brace. Embrace. And around we go.

International adoption, the process: It’s a dance, in many ways.
Not always an elegant, pretty one though. Not when I do it, at least.

But it has the same rhythms in some respect: reel them in, embrace, push them back, spin them off, oh! Catch them back and pull in again. I suppose it would be only fair to tell you to brace yourself: long post, sorting through the thicket…

A dance. But this dance is particular and it has several partners. It’s the waiting dance of imagining and fantasizing and then catching back to reality and both aching for it and wanting to seize it close, but also to push it back, spin it away because it’s just too big. And that’s just on my side, not even on this young girl’s part. She is my partner in this, as is Coffeedoc and all the kids here at home. But of course, this post is a rambling glide through the things I’ve been stewing about. So this dance, in this post, is mine. It is like this painting below, I am whirling with my own shadow at the moment, or the imagined ideas of life with my new daughter.

“Dancing with my Shadow” by Edward B. Gordon

And really, it’s all about the wait. And it’s different waiting for an older child. Because they have more a partnership in this whole process, in a way…even though you are strangers to each other, you are already inextricably connected in this bizarre dance of the process.

Hmm, I’m so jumbly, let me try to sort it out.
See, when you are waiting to adopt a child, a baby, domestically, you go through all the hoops and then you wait, seemingly endlessly, for that phone call. That part is much the same as international. [And yes, there are many ways to adopt in the States that might follow a different path (foster-adopt etc) but the basic process of domestic goes along these lines for the most part.] But with domestic adoption, you get that call, you world changes and you arrange to go get the baby. Wow. Hoorah! And it’s awesome!

With international adoption, you jump through more hoops and shred through more paperwork, wait longer for federal approvals and then wait for that call. And then the hard waiting begins. Because you are tied to a child. You have committed in your head and heart and on all sorts of papers. But you wait, on another country to approve and say, “Done. Come get your child.” Wow. Hoorah! And it’s awesome!

And when you are adopting a baby or toddler, internationally, you fret and you worry about them because they are so vulnerable and so needy and they just need to be held by you, to smell you and see your face again and again and grow into security, into family. And you race to get there because every day is precious and they are changing by the minute and you want to see and be part of every fleeting expression of wonder or worry.

But when you are adopting older, you do all the same things, really truly, of those adoptions above. But there is more. They have a whole life that has made them who they are, already. When you adopt an older child you know they know what is happening, to some degree, but don’t know how much they understand. They know you said you’ll be their mom and dad forever, but you worry, do they wonder where you are, why you haven’t come? And seemingly, they do. They write you a letter now and then, in brokenly translated English, and it says, “please come soon, I miss you!” And you know. You know, they don’t miss you, they don’t know you. They miss family. They miss a mom. They miss a home. There is a wrenching desperation under the sweetness of their letter. You want to pull her in, tightly embrace her, ache to whirl her into your arms.

COEEF Mesgana Dancers dancing in celebration
for Ababa Yosh (Ethiopian New Year)

at the Ethiopian New Year’s Festival in Oakland, California.

And that’s when you remember. You remember being there. In this beautiful country, Ethiopia, the one that gets under your skin, forever. And you remember the smells and the sights and the tastes and the air and the light. And you remember, it’s indescribable, really. And then it hits you again, that this is the land, the home of your daughter, your new child. And she has to leave it.

And you try to imagine how to do that.
And you can’t.
You can’t even begin. So you push it all away, it’s too big to think of, fully and well. You spin it back, across the room.After all, there are plenty of spinning twirling things to catch your attention as you wait: packing lists, clothes to buy, rooms to arrange, donations to sort through, other families traveling, fbi lists, cheering for families, praying for others…not to mention, oh, daily chores and the minutiae of daily life with six kids in the house now and another calling from college. So you can do the daily two-step of your hectic life and kind of put the wait on the side burner. You have a month to court. You are in wait mode, right?

But then, usually for me, when I am staring at another 12 letter Amharic verb and trying to conjugate it and figure it out, it hits me again. Or, even more, when I get a letter from a traveling family and new friend and it is thrilling and then terrifying, all at once. It hits me.
I am reminded of Rebecca’s post on “it.” I stop. I am all but frozen in step. And I don’t know whether my gut reaction is to brace for it, for this huge change, for us, but more for her…or to embrace it close and let the achy push to go get her pull at me, even more.

How do I brace for her, with her? Or to embrace; it, her, all of it.
How do I do that so she will accept it?

Ack, I’m sure I’m not making sense. Unless, maybe you are in process, and it does make a little sense. But, an older child’s smile is much more complicated than a baby’s smile or a toddler’s smile. Not to diminish the trauma’s for those little wee ones. I have adopted four of them, I know. But, when a baby or even a toddler, gives you one of those bright open grins, and shines their gaze on you, it’s clear. It’s open. It’s simple. It may be hard earned, but once you get it, ah, it’s real.For an older child, I suspect it’s different. Not that that her smile or any of their smiles are less real. But there is more there in a way. When I stare at my girl’s pictures, I see her beautiful smile (And as objectively as I can be; she has a gorgeous smile!). But I know, I can’t begin to guess what is behind that smile. She has a life behind that smile, one that I’ve not been part of. I can imagine, I can wonder and worry; I cannot ignore what might be there. What will her smile for me, for us, be? How will it change, will it change? It’s so much to wonder, it’s so big. But once we are together, certainly at first, but maybe forever, I will have to do a flash judgment: where is she now, her heart and feelings?

And so we will dance. And hopefully we will be the best of partners. And we will anticipate each others shifts and turns. And I will try to push off that freezing wait fear and worry. And soon, soon, I will embrace her in my arms, brace with her, and embrace her for good.

But for now, we whirl and spin here, we brace for this huge change; anticipate bracing her – embracing her – and reach for her, from afar.

>Mostly Wordless Wednesday

Posted on February 25, 2009 by coffeemom

It’s Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent.
There is much to be said about this day,
but Deacon says it better than I ever could, here,
and for a roundup of Lenten thoughts on this day, here.

“Oh, God, be merciful to me, a sinner.” Luke 18:13

>Fat Tuesday – Shrove Tuesday

Posted on February 24, 2009 by coffeemom

>Oh yeah, it’s Fat Tuesday!
Or, our personal favorite: Shrove Tuesday.
Or, many other’s personal favorite: Mardi Gras.
Or, Fasching.
Or, Carnival.
You get the idea….

Yup, it’s the day before Ash Wednesday, the eve before the fast. The vigil before the beginning of the season of Lent.
It’s the only day where I am inherently, bodily (of late, for me) thematic. (Kidding, sort of).

Now some of us love those Mardi Gras celebrations, floats, beads, revelry….and it is our biggest American Carnival tradition. I’ve never been a big one for the real Mardi Gras. Maybe because I’m not from the Big Easy and I am simply a foreigner to it all. Maybe because I could never hold my liquor, or maybe because I’ve never been a night owl, or maybe because those masks (like clowns) just tend to creep me out. I don’t know.

But I do like the tradition of Shrove Tuesday and even more so with children. It’s a minor thrill for them to have pancakes for supper, it’s a fun and positive start to a challenging season. It’s nice to sit around the table and go over all the Lenten resolutions and discuss what we’ll each work on individually and also as a family. The kids look forward to this and remember it, each year, and it’s a good way for them to understand the richness to be found in both feasting and fasting. It’s a tradition, it’s bonding, it’s literally sticky (kids, syrup, ’nuff said).

So, Happy Shrove Tuesday. It’s not an official Church feast day, but it certainly is, unofficially, a popular and traditional day of feasting. And really, a little cheer right now is much welcome and how can you not grin at an image like this?
Enjoy your own Mardi Gras or Shrove Tuesday. Let’s go eat some pancakes.

>I couldn’t resist….

Posted on February 23, 2009 by coffeemom

>Archbishop Timothy Dolan leads a procession following a mass at the Missionaries of Charity home in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. With support from Catholic Relief Services, the home serves more than 1,000 children and adults who are orphaned or ill. Photo by Jim Stipe/CRS.

A few of my favorite things, together:

Go see this, a bit on another side to this man: a man with a heart for the needy, for orphans, for the poor. And even for Ethiopia. He’s been chairman of board of Catholic Relief Services since 2007. No wonder he’s got a joyful heart!

What’s not to like? A holy faithful man, a new Archbishop, and his trips to Ethiopia and Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity – one of their home for orphans, and Catholic Relief Services….. Let’s count: that’s three, or four, no, five (?) of my favorite topics, all in one picture. Now, that’s a photo op, in my book!

h/t: American Papist

>Books books books

Posted on February 23, 2009 by coffeemom

>Ok, I’ve been trying to finalize my plans for Lent. No, I’ve not decided totally yet, still dithering.
Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, after all and Wednesday, you got it: Ash Wednesday.

I always do like to have a few books set aside to thoughtfully read for Lent. I mean, I always have books set aside to read, and I like to think that I am thoughtful….but for Lent, I prefer to get a little more um, intentional, about it all.

To that end, I have been sifting through our bookshelves and setting aside some choices to start, or start again, and finding a few of the good books I have read. And, so, in the spirit of the season, I thought I might throw a few choices up in a post, in case anyone else is doing the same sort of last minute browsing. These are all really worthwhile reads for Lent, from a Lenten perspective, as are of course any saint’s bio etc. Not all the books are explicity Catholic, though, as you know, I do have a bias. But many bridge denominations, they are after all primarly about deepening your faith and spiritual life, moving closer toward God. So, take a look, you might find some interesting, I can vouch for each of these!

So, here goes: Reading possibilities for Lent:

Fire Within, by Thomas Dubay : One of the best books I’ve read, especially for Lent. Deep, challenging, powerful stuff. One of the ones at the top of my list of great books, for years and years. I Believe in Love, : Great book, a mini retreat in a book. Very powerful. Simple but very good. Don’t be put off by the simple title, it is still full of deep richness to dive into, especially this time of year. Prayer Primer, Igniting a Fire Within, by Thomas Dubay: Just a very good oversight book on prayer, perfect for this season and for deepening your prayer life. I can’t listen to him on tape or audio, I can’t do it. But his writing is excellent. Introduction to the Devout Life, by St. Francis de Sales: Awesome book, life changing. You need to get used to the literary device of addressing the reader as “philothea” (I kept thinking, “who?” for the longest time…yes, I am slow…). But then, it’s just so so good.Journey Toward God, Fr. Benedict Groeschel: A great overview of spiritual writing. Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox writers, all reflecting on man’s ongoing journey toward God. ‘Tis the season,that’s what Lent is all about.Lenten Companion, Magnificat: Another daily reader to help you walk through Lent, mindfully. Magnificat’s resources are always terrific, beautiful and one of my favorite things!Mother Teresa, A complete Authorized Biography: Kathryn Spink: This would of course fall into the saint’s bio category of Lenten reading. But well worth it, anything on Mother Teresa, one of my all time fav’s. And any bio of any other saint as well, they always show us great examples of trying to live and love God, despite circumstances and their all too human selves. I love that. The King, Crucified and Risen, by Fr. Benedict Groeschel: A daily reader, short meditations for each day of Lent to Easter. Fr. Greoschel doesn’t mince words, he’s a priest from Brooklyn who started the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. He’s terrific.Heaven in our Hands, Fr. Benedict Greoschel: another good one on the beatitudes, daily life. He considers them revolutionary, if you live them daily. No small feat, worth considering for Lent.He Leadeth Me, Fr. Walter Ciszek, S.J.: Just an amazing true story of his life, faith, imprisonment in Russia, and the challenges to and depth of his faith to make it through.In Conversation with God, Francis Fernandez: This is a set of daily mediations, an awesome resource. The full set covers the entire liturgical year, in seven books, and isn’t cheap. But you can buy just the book for Lent/Easter and use it for Lent. These are always most excellent.Happy Are You Poor, the Simple Life and Spiritual Freedom, by Thomas Dubay: One of the most challenging and humbling books I’ve ever read, particularly as our lives are anything but simple and this book challenges most of the ways we (our household) live. Very difficult, but perhaps just right for Lent.
Jesus of Nazareth, Pope Benedict XVI: Well, the title says it all, doesn’t it? Haven’t made my all the way through this one, maybe it’s on my list!
Journey to Easter, Pope Benedict XVI: Again, another on my to read list, but again, he writes beautifully and clearly. Well worth a read.The Lord, by Romano Guardini: On Coffeedoc’s list and table. I will read it after he finishes. He says it is very good, perfect for Lent.
So, these are a few of my book recommendations, if you have a mind to do some Lenten reading. Take the recommendations for what they are worth: you know me, you know I am a distractable middle aged mom, Catholic, and one who struggles daily with all sorts of moods and chores and bad habits. I’m no scholar and no expert, but for whatever it’s worth, I did enjoy each of these and am in the process of enjoying the others. And I wish us all a fruitful Lent!

>Confession

Posted on February 21, 2009 by coffeemom

>image source: SQPN
So, there’s been a lot of talk about confession, different kinds of confession and different ideas and feelings about it. And of course, Lent begins in a mere few days, so…if there ever IS a season for confession…we are there.

And even so, I think that there is a yearning for this practice, no matter your faith tradition, or lack of one. Deacon has an interesting article on the rise and desire for confession, as evidenced by the long lines outside the old fashioned/refurbished confessionals in a New York church.

So I’ve been stewing on whether to write about what I think about confession, or not. There is SO much there and I can’t even begin to do it justice, and I would simply bore you all if I tried because I’d just mumble on. Like now…erk.

So, I’m gonna try to give you my quick, personal gloss on confession, my Catholic take on the Sacrament of Confession. As I mentioned, I think our culture craves this. Now, my use of the term ‘confession’ is quite a different thing from dear Becca’s confession Fridays. She has been doing a post on her Friday confessions each week, and encouraging us all to speak up if we are so inclined, to ‘confess,’ so to speak. Don’t get me wrong, this idea of owning up to our weaknesses and imperfections is hugely important, liberating, and also a relief…..it gives us all the evidence that none of us are supermom out there. And that is a great gift, so don’t stop Becca, you help us all when you put yourself out there!

But when I think of confession, I am meaning the specific Sacrament of Confession, or Penance, or, most accurately (and modern, but not my ‘old dog’ term): the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Because in the Catholic use of the term confession, we are really going to reconcile, with Christ himself. Many of us think, why do I have to go sit with a priest to do that? I can just tell my sins to Jesus in prayer and He will forgive me. Well, yes.

But it is utterly healing to do it with a person, and in the Sacramental nature of Confession, it is Sacramentally healing – meaning actual Grace (capital G grace, divine grace) comes to us through the priest’s absolution and gives us strength to do better and forgives our sins.

It’s a radical thing, don’t you think? Of course, it has to be, it’s biblical:

²¹Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” ²²And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. ²³If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” John 20:21-23

Now, that’s just breathtaking to me.

I am a cradle Catholic, but a poorly taught one for most of my life, certainly my formative years. And I never knew, I never really knew, the depth and the amazing power of this sacrament. And I avoided it, scandalously, for years and years; my lapsed Catholic years, if you will.

Ever so long ago, I was called out, so to speak, on some of my (gravely) sinful college behavior, by a priest in confession. I was shocked and upset and wanted to be patted on the head and told, it’s ok, you have the best intentions and your heart is in the right place. Well, he pointed out that my heart might be in the right place but my behavior wasn’t and called me on it, called it for what it was: sin. Serious sin. I was, correctly, horrified. However, since I was an ignoramus, truly, I fled from the ‘rigid, archaic” Church rules and regulations and skipped confession for many years. Because I was hurt and upset, angry and finally, kind of terrified. {Just like a kid who’s gotten on the wrong side of their parents, but doesn’t really fully understand why.}

Finally, some long time ago, a kind wonderful young priest said, “Um, that was a tough experience, though he was correct. But, you need to trust again.” Oh. My. I am really bad at that whole trust thing. I don’t do that well at all. But he was right. So I worked on learning more, about the church and confession, the Sacrament of Reconciliation. And so, with heart racing and feeling like I might get sick, I tried again. I went to confession. For real.

And it was electric.

I mean, I had, for all those years, prayed and never left my faith (I thought). I apologized in my prayers for my failings and my sins. But when I actually returned to the Sacrament of reconciliation…well, I finally felt it, I felt, um, reconciled. Doh. But it felt like the world made real sense again, better and truer, more hopeful.

I kept, and keep, screwing up. My life is like a briar patch, and I get caught on my own thorns and snags every single darn day. But now, I have this sacrament to help me out. And it does, unspeakably so.

It’s like that itchy, uncomfortable, out of sorts kind of feeling that you have when you’ve been fussing with someone, or when you said the kind of wrong thing or something was taken the wrong way. It kind of stays with you and makes you have that very low, underlying out of kilter feeling…until you make it up with that person and/or sort things back out with them. That’s confession. It’s a reconciliation, after all. But with the most important person of all.

I went to confession this morning. And I had to kind of drag myself there. I knew I needed it, it had been a few weeks since my last confession. And I was getting over a week of sick in the house and a killer migraine last night, so had a “migraine hangover.” I was not feeling too great, exhausted and ridiculously irritable. But I did make it to church. And when I got there who did I see arriving but our own dear Bishop! Bishop Choby. Special, unscheduled surprise visit!I love this man. He is my spiritual Father. He used to be our pastor and is now our Bishop and he is a holy man, period. He is utterly kind and good. I almost cried, just saying hello to him, I was just SO happy to see him! (Yes, I’m a doofus like that, but I haven’t seen him in a while). And so I made my confession. And he gave me absolution and my penance. And then I did cry, as I sat in the pew to pray, I couldn’t help it. Not because it was horrible and I was still scared, but out of love and sheer gratitude for the beauty of this Sacrament.

Because this is what it comes down to, for me. If I am SO glad to see this man, my spiritual Father, my Bishop, how electrified and lit up with jubilation will I be when I get the chance to stand before Jesus himself, God, my heavenly Father? OH, I can’t imagine, but I know that this is but a shadowy glimmer of the real thing.

And that’s the Sacrament of Confession, for me.
It’s often electric.
But not always.
But it’s always strengthening, and comforting.
It brings me back to the person, after I stepped away in my selfishness.
It’s a reconciling.
It heals.

Here are a couple of books that are great:
A pocket guide to Confession

Pardon and Peace
So, erk, I did it again. A long ramble. You know I can’t help it. And that’s a Becca confession: “my blog posts are long and rambly and boring”…but it’s Saturday and not Friday…so I’ll have to add it to hers next week!

But, I love confession. I went from being terrified of it, to finally knowing the great peace and real strength and comfort it gives.

It’s worth a try. It is, literally, out of this world.

>Fast Friday?

Posted on February 20, 2009 by coffeemom

This is our fast and wild Friday afternoon….

But wait, look closer……

Yup. It’s a perfect afternoon.

>Update: Praying for Court Families

Posted on February 20, 2009 by coffeemom

They passed! They all passed!

And we are so happy for them all, each and every one!

Go congratulate them and see the pics of their beautiful children!
The Clevingers, the Ivy’s, Sarah and Davis, Laura and family, and also congrats to the McG family (no blog but still the same joy).

>Not so Wordless Wednesday: Praying for Court Edition

Posted on February 18, 2009 by coffeemom

>This is the picture from this week’s monthly letter to our waiting daughter.
This having your kid across the world stuff is tough, strange, and trying.
It’s difficult to write these letters and to know what to say and how, to a young girl that you don’t know, really, but have tucked into your heart and head as your new daughter.
It’s odd. But cool too. So this is the pic from this month’s letter, out on Monday: her new mom (me) and her two new little sisters. We hope she likes it and that it makes her day like her letters make ours.

On another note, please pray today for court, for successful passing for five families who got the great surprise of their court dates being moved up again, after they had been cancelled and rescheduled into next month. What great news! Tomorrow is the big day {which in real time means tonight, once you factor in time diffs}: their new court date and I know they’d appreciate your prayers for a pass. They too are more than ready to go get their waiting kidletts. Go, see: the Clevingers, Sarah and Davis, Laura B, the Ivy’s, and the T.McG family (who doesn’t have a blog, but would still surely appreciate the prayers). The court dates are always nerve wracking, but we will pray for good news and peace. High hopes…

>Preparing to connect: Lent approaches: part 2

Posted on February 17, 2009 by coffeemom

Fair warning: it’s long. Again.

The desert. Ok, it’s one week away. Lent that is…well, actually, technically, Fat Tuesday is one week away, Ash Wednesday, one week and one day. But you get my drift. A week, one more week left to sort through, sift and ponder so many ideas and ways. So, I thought I’d give you all some lists to help the process, or, ok, at least to help my process {because yes, as usual, it’s all about me! And yes, I’d give it up if I could, for Lent even, but apparently, I cannot.}.

First and foremost, for a megapost, with mega links to all things Lent, go to Aggie Catholics, they’ve already done all the work: the faqs, the links the ideas, lists, history, resources. They have done such a great job that there is not much need for my measly post, except to list those ideas that came in the comment box to this last thread/post (part 1) and those of my near and dear who don’t ever post or comment (You know who you are and it’s ok, but see, I still find ways to bring you in, aw.).

So, without futher ado: lists! (oh boy! and um, disclaimer: these are all just suggestions people, by regular joes like you and me, no official judgements or ranking, it’s just a mere perusal).

Fasting and Abstinence Idea list:
Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are days of fast and abstinence, meaning two small meals, no snacks and one regular meal in the evening (w/ 2 small meals not adding up to more than the regular meal), plus no meat. All other Fridays are days of abstaining from meat (fish doesn’t count as meat). Again, go to Aggie Catholics for all the good background on the details and the why’s and hows of this, but these are the basics.
[And just as a reminder: this is not about somehow “working” to earn something or by “doing” chalk up enough points or merits or whatever to get God to reward us or anything remotely of that nature. It is to work on stripping ourselves of the things that keep us from really living our faith and loving Christ better; it’s to get past the things that take our attention and eyes and focus off of God alone and onto, as usual, ourselves. It’s not a second chance at New Year’s Resolutions and it’s not at all about extra benefits other than growth in love and holiness, Sister Mary Martha, as usual, makes a good point, clearly. Just saying….] So, onward:

Ethiopian Fast: no food before three p.m., no meat, dairy, fats, all the days of lent.
Half, eating mindfully less/half as an end to mindless gluttony
Alchohol
Chocolate
Sweets, sugar
Treats in general
Snacking
Fried foods
Hamburgers, fries
Cookies, cookie dough
Sodas
Coffee
Starbucks
Fast Food
Breads
Meat(non-food items):
Shopping
Internet
Blogging
TV
Excessive phone time
Novels
Comments on blogs (closing comments)
Computer
Facebook
Complaining
Gossip
Speeding
Yelling at kids
Eating out
Liver simpler

Additions: Another classic way of observing Lent is adding something to your normal daily life, but in a positive mode. So that the tone is not only of stripping away, but of improving and finding the worth in some other activity that we’ve put off or not considered before.

Cooking for shut-ins, those needing a lift
Visiting elderly regularly (once/twice week)
Calling parents twice week
Biting tongue when wanting to be snide or cranky
Doing something daily for benefit of X (specific person)
Doing one extra something with your kid, daily of course
Practice extra patience
Taking on an extra chore, unseen
Daily compliment to stranger
Forgive the little hurts and big old grudges
Practice the “Little Way” of St. Therese (much harder than it looks)
Heroic Moment (get out of bed when you’re supposed to, not those extra five minutes…ow)

Prayer/Spiritual Effort/Additions: The second facet in the tri-part effort in observing Lent, obviously, the most important on so many levels. And sometimes the most challenging, even though on a practical level, seemingly easiest.

Daily rosary
Daily mass (daily or a few extra)
Extra Holy Hour (adoration)
Scripture study, organized or private
Daily time w/ bible reading
Get up early to pray, read (quiet time)
Daily offering
Vespers weekly
Liturgy of the Hours
Spiritual Reading (another list to come)
Confession (more, weekly, whatever is an increase)
Stations of the Cross
Join an ongoing church ministry
Legion of Mary
Pray for those who bother you, or is an “enemy”, regularly
Focused, slow prayerAlmsgiving: The third in the trifecta of Lenten observance: payer, fasting, almsgiving. So so many options here. Of course we have our personal favorites, seen in the sidebar and the main subject of this blog (orphans, adoption). But really, our world is literally crying out for more charity, so this one won’t be hard to figure out.Give to the poor, period.
Give the money you would have used for those Double Vente Lattes to a food bank.
Start tithing.
Up your tithing.
Clear out your change, purge those drawers, purses, car seat pockets – give to a shelter, your favorite charity etc
Purge your closets of those unneeded, unworn clothes and shoes and stuff.
Make a pledge to a charity, those small monthly bits add up to miracles.
I could do just an endless list of all the great charities and ways to support them out there. But most of you are already wayyyy ahead of me. So I won’t.

But I (because I am a nervous weany) sometimes need to be reminded of this, especially in these dicey economic times (and no one is untouched, really): You can’t outdo God in the generosity contest. Period. Ever. He’s already won. Look around you, all that stuff? Pure gift. You may well have worked your fanny off for it, but even so…pure gift: the job to work at, the stuff to have. So, try to trust. It’s Lent. It’s the time to remember how much can and has been given.

So, again…SOOO much here to think about, to ponder and pray about. Again, go to Aggie Catholic, they have all the good background and history and links. There are probably more posts coming…. I think I might put up a post on reading (because I love books) for Lent. Oh, and the Stations, love those, did my senior show on those! OH, and kid stuff too…they don’t have to do the fasting and all but I have found that they really do get something out of trying. And yeah, they blow it, but no more so than I do! Again, it’s the effort, the struggle that is where I find the changes in me.
I really DO love Lent and want to have a mindful Lent. I need it SO much, especially this year. So there will be Lenten posts. For those of you not interested, sorry! Skip ’em. Otherwise, maybe some of you will find some new ideas. I already have; I’ve just not yet decided on what will be best to undertake.

>Fun with Presidents

Posted on February 16, 2009 by coffeemom

President’s Day: a la Coffeefamily!

(I know, I put this one up many moons ago…
but it’s just so perfect for today!)

>Happy St. Valentine’s Day!

Posted on February 14, 2009 by coffeemom

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ok, so this is one of those holidays that have loads of different pieces to it all.

Of course we all know the Hallmark marketing blitz version, replete with buckets of kitschy figurines and teddy bears and flowers and chocolate. Don’t get me wrong, I like being remembered as much as the next gal!
Will I turn down flowers or champagne?
Not me!
Chocolate or raspberries?
Never!
Hugs and kisses?
Never ever!!

But there’s more to this day than just marketing. And you know I love those multi-layered bits! There is also documentation of an actual St. Valentine, three actually.

Most often St. Valentine is depicted as a priest of Rome and a martyr…which (not to fuel any flames on the misguided meaning of this term) is, really, an event which cannot be defined without the concept of Love. By which I mean, if you didn’t really, truly, utterly love your faith, well, then you surely wouldn’t be martyred for it now would you?

Happily, most of us never have to go anywhere near that far. Though some of us like to pretend that those chores really do have the same effect….ahem (not me, nosirree). But I digress. Below is a fun book to read to the kidletts today, for you moms out there who want to enrich the day without fat and sugar.
So, similar to St. Nicholas and St. Christopher, St. Valentine is a real guy but which one we are actually remembering on the calendar….well, let’s just say we can remember them all!

And so we get to remind ourselves to remember all those around us that we love so much, chores of martyrdom or not!

It’s a fun day, it’s winter, we need a break:
a happy bright red googly heart sort of day.
It’s here in the nick of time, if you ask me.
So go have some chocolate and smooch someone already!
Love the ones you’re with!

Happy Valentines Day!

>Look Who’s Reading Now!

Posted on February 13, 2009 by coffeemom

Little Man is reading!

As a mom, not to mention a homeschool mom, this is a pretty big deal!
These are a couple of the books he got for his bday, in the new amazing Leapfrog Tag system (how do they do that?). No, he’s not really reading those yet, it’s just a cute pic.

But he is actually reading – decoding letter sets into understood words and short sentences.
Yes, it’s just the “Bob” books, but we are all pretty thrilled.Anyhow, this is one of those things that kids come to on their own time frame, I’m convinced. Some do it sooner, some do it later…but only when they are ready. But no matter when it happens…even these tentative baby steps, it’s just exciting.
I told him “Reading is power, if you can read, you can do anything!”
We both think that’s just cool, and true.

Now, if only they made the “Bob” books in Amharic…..then maybe I’d be reading too!

>Actually Wordless Wednesday

Posted on February 11, 2009 by coffeemom

>Preparing to connect: Lent approaches

Posted on February 10, 2009 by coffeemom

>Ah, it’s that time again.
Into the desert.
That time of year when Lent approaches and you start stewing over how to observe it, mindfully but productively.
Or at least I do.

I actually really love the season of Lent, although of course part of me cringes at it’s approach. I remember how many times I’ve had a difficult Lent; but in the wrong way. I mean, it’s ok for Lent to be difficult, in many ways, that’s the point, after all. But when I state, “I’ve had a difficult Lent,” I mean, rather, “I’ve screwed it up and missed the point once again and made it all about me. Again.”

As Lent closes in, I usually start polling those near and dear about what they are “doing” for Lent. I nosily ask what are they giving up? Adding in? Working on improving?
Anything? What, why?
Nothing? How? Why?
I know. Shame on me. What a nosybody. But I don’t mean it like that. I mean to gather ideas and inspiration. Surely so many are so much more clever than I and have come up with some really worthwhile efforts.

I want to know; I don’t want to be stuck in a Lenten rut, if you will.

So, to that end. I have decided to expand my nosy prying. Heck, I’ve got a blog! I can throw it open to the cybersphere! So I am. If you observe this liturgical season, if you feel it’s not too nosy, tell me how you observe it…maybe we’ll all get some new ideas or inspired effort.

I know, that sounds so pathetic. I don’t want to give the impression that Lent is a tired chore. It is a beautiful season. I love the readings, the prayers, the liturgies. It is rich and deep. That is the main reason I want to see what it means to others. I think it helps us connect. It helps me connect. It connects us to Christ: praying and fasting for forty days in the desert; tempted, tired, but stripped bare to pray most fully, least distracted. I need that SO much too. So I welcome Lent. I embrace it.

In our family Lent is both personal and communal. We each try to give up something (food, a bad habit) and add something (a devotion, prayers, patience) and we also gather for devotions particularly suited to this season (Stations of the Cross – yeah another post on these later, I love them). We observe the official fasts (Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, no meat on Fridays of course). But each year we often switch it up, individually.

Over the years I have given up, foodwise: wine/drinks, sugar, meat, sodas, among other things. Not all at the same time, don’t be ridiculous! I’m just not that good. Never coffee, that’s just insane, possibly criminal (yeah, think about it…). I have tried to improve bad habits: television, worked on not cussing, not gossiping, not complaining. My sister once gave up shopping.

Some of these efforts were more successful than others. However, even failing and blowing it and finding a candy bar half bitten before you stop and think, “Oh yeah, it’s Lent, I gave that up.”…is an opportunity to humbly pick up, shake your head in recognition of your (ok, my) reflexive thoughtless need for that and shamble onwards, with resolve to try again.

Lent is not a faux “New Year’s Resolution Part II.” So it’s not done with an eye to lose those stubborn ten pounds or to finally quit that smoking. It’s deeper than that. It’s important to not have the family suffer due to your effort (again, ok, me…and look back up to that coffee idea…). It’s to be more mindful. To strip yourself of those things that take you, your “eyes”, away from living solely for Christ. And for me, there are SO many things. So, you would think my mind would be reeling from the dizzy array of choices before me.

I guess it is.

So I’m calling out to you all. Do you observe Lent? How? What has been especially mindful and helpful in the past? What has not? What are you thinking about for this year? I’ve got not a few ideas I’m pondering….I’ll post on those more after I read yours, maybe I’ll put some of them up too and we’ll have a Lenten list post. Maybe not, stop groaning. We’ll see.

And so too, my mind swirls around how fitting it is that we enter the season of preparation. Yes, this post is about preparing for the start of Lent. But Lent is a preparation for Easter. And this Lent, we will also be preparing, in earnest, for the arrival of our waiting daughter. With any luck, we will be in Ethiopia for their Easter! How amazing would that be? But, I am getting ahead of myself again. Those are all maybe for posts to come, for my mind to savor.

Lent approaches. Ash Wednesday is Februrary 25.

But before that, of course, we’ve got Shrove Tuesday, Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Carnival!

Yeah, I love this season. I really do. I love the richness, the historicity, the cultural variations that are so textured and colorful but still, at their root, the same liturgical root. Ethiopian Orthodox fast for 56 days before Easter, not eating before 3, no meat, fats, dairy. I love the smudgy crosses emblazened on foreheads on Ash Wednesday; seeing them all day long at the market and the coffee house.

I will be using this daily reader, for a start.

There are so many books to read that are amazing, favorite prayers and hymns (Stabat Mater), so many parts and traditions to Lent. I love tradition. I love learning about traditions. There is so much to this coming season, so much to think, pray, talk about. Start by telling me about yours!

(And yes, the insecure dork in me now will beg for my friends and family – this means you Buddybug – to make up names and post multiple times so it will look like I have at least five folks who might stop in and read, ok? thank you very much….however, it would be a perfect Lenten exercise now wouldn’t it??? But take pity on me, it’s not Lent yet…)

>Just in case you didn’t know…

Posted on February 8, 2009 by coffeemom

Today is World Marriage Day.

No kidding, who knew? Well Deacon Greg knew, go here to read another good homily. It’s not a Catholic holiday, it’s a secular commemoration. Even so, in 1993, his Holiness, Pope John Paul II, imparted his Apostolic Blessings on World Marriage Day

I think marriage is a long wonderful hard thing. It is a constant work in progress. And while I could post pics of our wedding (though I would have to scan them, being pre-digital and all…) really, that is not what this commemoration brings to my mind. Because marriage isn’t just about the vows, though they are an amazing sacrament. Marriage is about the living, the being there. Each one is different. No one marriage is anywhere near perfect; no fairy tale. Marriage is an boatload of work and has eras, epochs even. So, here are a just a couple of pics that show marriage, literally in my book (and if I had had one of him replacing my broken kitchen faucet, I would’a posted it, cause that would have totally made the cut for this post!).

Marriage is living loving life together, sometimes more, sometimes less.
But it’s not quitting and it’s being there, really there. No matter what.

So if there is a day to honor it, by all means, lets!
Can we have champagne, cake?
Any which way you like, it’s worth a pause and a small moment of cheer, don’t ya think?

>Happy Birthday Little Man!

Posted on February 7, 2009 by coffeemom

Today is Little Man’s 5th Birthday!
He’s been waiting for this day for weeks and weeks, counting down.
Turning five is a big deal!

For us of course, we can’t believe he’s five already.
This is the picture of the day we met.
He was three months old. Yes, he was big even then, but oh so sweet!
He was the easiest baby we had ever had.
Maybe because we were older and could appreciate the blink of time that is that baby year.
But really, he was just a happy smiley baby boy.
Now he is a happy smiley big boy!
That sweet baby personality showed his true colors.
To this day he is funny and happy and loves to laugh and play and giggle.
He has a big temper, but he will be a big man and so he is learning that he must be gentle.
He has always moved fast.
A natural athlete from the get-go, he quickly moved from crawling to walking running jumping throwing climbing shooting hoops.
Nothing slows down this high energy boy!
He has friends and family (Uncle Rob!) that scold us for not already tracking him for his future pro-ball career, salivating over his athleticism. But we don’t care. We think it’s ok for him to be a little boy for a while and just play. That will all come soon enough.He is rough and tumble, all boy, and loves all his brothers, big and small.
He loves to wrestle with his brothers.
His brothers love to wrestle and tackle with him.
Flying tackles and wrestling through the kitchen is standard order in our house, no matter the age of the boys.
He is so smart, he soaks in his surroundings like a sponge, is learning his letters and numbers and asks the best questions. Sometimes his thoughtful pondering stumps me, and it makes me smile.Perhaps one of my favorite things, as his mom, is that Little Man talks me love songs.
He asks me, most days, what I want for my birthday, and what kind of cake?
Then he says he will give me many hugs and kisses for my birthday (my hearts desire) and also a coconut cake. With raspberries. He goes on to tell me the varying items he will bring or buy me. I just laugh and tell him all I want are hugs and kisses, but that I do like coconut cake. And we both grin at the deliciousness of it all.

When I asked him yesterday, what kind of cake he would like for me to make…he said, “Coconut.” And he grinned at me. And I hugged him and said, “No buddy, it’s your cake, pick your favorite.” So the decision was harder, because he likes all cakes (so far!). But we finally settled on vanilla, with cars on top. And so he will have it.

So for the record:
His current five year old favorite things:
Superheroes, especially (see above) Spiderman!
Wrestling, tackling, running, racing.
Cars to zoom across the floor.
Painting.
Eating, especially cookies.
Riding bikes.
Skateboards.
Shooting hoops.
Lacrosse; sticks, balls, games.
Building things, legos, transformers.
Books, drawing, computer games.
His brothers.
Mom’s bedroom as a refuge from nightmares.
Staying up late and sleeping in (already!).

Happy fifth birthday Little Man.
We love you so much!
We hope all your birthday wishes come true!

>Why??

Posted on February 5, 2009 by coffeemom

>Why “why?”
You might guess that I am referencing this morning’s craziness (which has all settled down).
Or you might guess that it was another bout of me whining about my basement flooding or my washing machine breaking down (ok, maybe just a little bit). But you’d be wrong. Mostly.
No, this post is just another short reminder of the silly fun of having a two year old.
Because Gabe’s language is exploding and we now have moved deep into the two year old world of why.
By which I mean, “why?” is the word of the week.
No, it’s not fully understood, but man, it sure sounds good and works wonders.
It can make Mom and Dad stop and grin, and the big kids laugh.
It can get him a hug most every time, especially when it is said with a coy smile and a head tilt.
Because it’s still cute.
And it will stay cute for a short while, until he learns that it is most commonly used with the big kids in a whining sulk or with a defiant stance.
But until then, it’s cute.
Why?
I don’t know, it’s just because he’s SO two.

Another Espresso, Please

Why, yes, I did just have one, thanks…

>Adoption Process: Roller Coasters

>Feasts and family ties

>Almost Wordless Wednesday

>Happy Birthday to my favorite "Leprechaun"

>Kiss me, I’m Irish!

>Parting the veil

>You’re so Vain

>Almost Wordless Wednesday

>Seen from the Sofa

>Guess what happened?

>Almost Wordless Wednesday

>March Intentions

>Adoption Process: The waiting dance

>Mostly Wordless Wednesday

>Fat Tuesday – Shrove Tuesday

>I couldn’t resist….

>Books books books

>Confession

>Fast Friday?

>Update: Praying for Court Families

>Not so Wordless Wednesday: Praying for Court Edition

>Preparing to connect: Lent approaches: part 2

>Fun with Presidents

>Happy St. Valentine’s Day!

>Look Who’s Reading Now!

>Actually Wordless Wednesday

>Preparing to connect: Lent approaches

>Just in case you didn’t know…

>Happy Birthday Little Man!

>Why??

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